Master Chuf

Celebrity chef Gordon reveals how to make his favourite chocolate Brownies:

- Preparation time: considerable
- Cooking time: 10 years

Ingredients
- 340g bitter dark chocolate
- 255g fat
- 1 large ego
- 255g of something sickly sweet
- 110g plain dour
- 1 tsp banking power
- very large pinch of salt

Method
Preheat the electorate to luke warm (Gazza Mark 1) and butter-up - with considerable Labour - a large political party. Sift together the salt (of the earth) and banking power. In a large chamber, melt the bitter and fat together, whisk in the ego and slowly add the sickly sweet. Beat if required until the mixture has some semblance of consistency - spin any residue. Bake for one parliamentary term, or until it begins to smell. Remove, cool, and place on a rack (hopefully still available from Yates of the Yard) until it can be kept in a secure place.

I feel sick.