Flood forces thousands from homes in Lincolnshire

Thousands have been forced from their homes after severe flooding and a mini hurricane hit northern England. The worst affected area was Lincolnshire, where many hundreds of people have been left stranded. Throughout the areas of Grantham and Stamford, a rising torrent of spittle had gradually turned into a deluge and came gushing out in an uncontrollable force, sweeping aside all sense of self-respect.

The torrent has apparently been predicted for some time and no doubt an investigation will be launched to see why people were not better prepared for it. One nearby resident - who gave his name as 'DC' - said: "It's been p*ssing down all week and the waters have slowly been rising. I think it's about level with my neck now. I could really do without all this. I have important decisions to make about whether to wear a tie tomorrow for a meeting, or perhaps just a Paul Smith shirt. Does my brain look small in this?"

The emergency services are still on the scene assessing the damage and trying to restore essential parliamentary representation to local people. "It could take many months before Conservative power is restored to homes in this area", said a spokesman for Lincolnshire County Council. Some residents may have to move out of the area completely as the smell of hypocrisy and risk of infection increases.

The Met Office predict that the flood waters will gradually decrease as the hurricane (nicknamed 'Quentin') loses power. "Hurricanes of this size - whilst unusual in this country - do happen from time to time. They are quickly forgotten and disappear into obscurity within a couple of weeks. The last one of this magnitude was Hurricane Woodward - we thought it might cause long term damage but quickly realised that it was just a damp squib. Quentin will no doubt be the same".