Revealed!

Boris breathlessly reveals the shocking chain of events that led to the death of Diana, Princess of Wales - the conspiracy to end all conspiracies!

I will reveal how the Duke of Edinburgh secretly trained the Loch Ness Monster to swim up the Seine until it reached the Pont d'Alma and then I will explain how Philip then gave a kind of ghillie's whistle and Nessie reared out of the water and so startled Henri Paul that he swerved into the path of Elvis Presley in the white Fiat Uno, at which point Prince Charles - hovering overhead in a Luftwaffe helicopter - switched on the supermagnet installed by MI6 in the concrete pillar of the tunnel and sucked the Merc to its doom. That is the story I will tell. I got it from the horse's mouth - Shergar, that is.

Seems plausible enough to me - better than his story about who really wrote that Speccie editorial about Liverpool anyway.