Friday, July 10, 2009

The Guardian distilled into 26 words

The Guardian distilled into 26 words

I’ve always been a big fan of the Daily Mail-o-matic.  Yet the Guardian have gone one better, and have perfected a machine which produces a perfect Guardian article, regardless of subject matter.  It’s obviously still in the development stages, but a sneak preview has been put up on the site.  It’s a film review, of Bruno, which is a promising start for an auto-Guardian article, being a prolonged skit on homosexuality and reactions to it.

It gets off to a good start.

I've never felt more grateful for being working class than after watching Bruno.

But really comes into its own with the following sentence:

In fact, his preoccupation with male genitalia and anal sex is so tedious, it makes you forget the real outrage: the inequality of the class system.

This is the most glorious distillation of the Guardian’s worldview.  You could probably print it one hundred times on every page of the Guardian and no-one would notice the difference.

The plot thickens slightly, however, when you realise what a toweringly self-deluded shit the author, Nirpal Dhiliwal, is. 

Last Christmas, my wife threw me out after discovering I'd been cheating on her. On the night we got back together, I made strong, passionate love to her. Unfaithful as I'd been, I was not going to let her have me over a barrel for the rest of our marriage. I needed to keep a sense of self and not allow her to mire me in guilt and a desperate quest of forgiveness.

I needed to let her know what she would be missing if we broke up for ever. I gave her a manful bravura performance that night, and at the height of her passion, I asked her: 'Who's the boss?'

Well, the answer to that question can probably be determined by the title of his wife’s next column.  I'm finally, finally, finally divorcing my husband.  The man needs help.  Or a punch in the face, I’m easy either way.

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