The most obnoxious man in Britain

I dislike Simon Heffer. I find his choleric squire pose unconvincing and his political views more reminiscent of awful people in the bar at the Oxford Union (usually in suspiciously new tweed jackets) than of serious commentators. This post is, however, not about Mr Heffer. For, in a 'stopped clock' moment on Saturday, Heffer hit the mark precisely. All it takes to wake me up in the morning is the merest hint of Prescott. As soon as his incomprehensible bile-fuelled ramblings hit the airwaves my heart rate soars to new heights.

What is this fat fucker for? I don't usually devote this space to invective - through no spirit of superiority, I'm just not very good at it - but something about Prescott demands it. This man, this shambling hulk of furious mediocrity, is the last remaining relic of a bygone era; an era of Red Robbo and Arthur Scargill; of unbridled class warfare and empty Gramscian phrase-making. Not that Prescott is capable of that - he can't even pronounce Gramsci, let alone any of his asinine political theories.

Anyway, this obnoxious fuckwit has been wheeled out to perform "attack dog duties" on Cameron - a choice that casts serious doubt on Blair's motives. Cameron is seen by many of the intelligentsia as representing a new type of Conservative politics. Whether that is right or not is debatable, but putting up this Pleistocene pillock to denounce him in a five-minute hate from the podium serves as an excellent opportunity to remind us just why we hate him and all he stands for. His major attacks on Cameron were that he was 'from Eton' and a 'fox-hunter'. He did also describe his as a 'chameleon' but he was probably just mispronouncing his name.

So, just to relieve my feelings, John Prescott is a talentless, embittered, obnoxious, illiterate, inarticulate, unintelligent fat fuck. Bastard.